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Forgetting About Your Ex

Unfortunately, the quest for love is not always smooth sailing. At some point, most of us will have to endure the heartache of a breakup. Whether you have been in a relationship for years or a few weeks, getting over your ex and moving on can be both a laborious and emotional process. During this time, it is important to remember that you need to take care of yourself and proactively move forward in a healthy direction.

  • Manage your expectations. Most relationships were not built in a day, so it is unrealistic to presume that you can get over your ex overnight. Give yourself some time to work through your feelings. This is important because you will not be able to move on if you have not dealt with your past. If you are having trouble coping, reach out to your friends and family or seek counseling. If you are not in the mood to talk to others about your situation, write your thoughts down in a journal. Suppressing your feelings at this stage in the process can be unhealthy and can cause you more emotional strain later down the road.
  • Accept that your relationship is over. You cannot move on with your life until you let your ex go. If you feel haunted by old photos and/or belongings, get rid of them. Stop communicating with your ex and resist the urge to respond to him/her. Try to avoid running into him/her around town and at social gatherings. The less you see your ex during this period of grieving, the better.
  • Look on the bright side. Remember that there are positives to being single. Often, in relationships, we spend an extensive amount of time catering to the needs of our significant others and we forget about our own needs. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself and cater to your own needs.
  • Stay busy. It is natural to feel lonely after a breakup. Instead of dwelling on what your ex is doing, make plans to hang out with your friends and family. This will help you to take your mind off your breakup for a while.
  • Embrace new experiences and try new things. Whether you go camping, hiking, join a club, take a cooking class, learn to surf, or just make some new friends, you are creating new memories that don’t revolve around your ex. This will help you remember that you can live a happy, healthy life without him/her.

The Phases of Moving On

Once a divorce is finalized, you may decide to move on. Some people may also have family or friends that encourage or force them to move on. It must be noted, forcing oneself to move on can make it harder to recover, we outline some stages people may go through if they do force it. Even if your are ready to take the plunge, you may notice your actions in some of our phases.

  • Bunny Hop - This phase can be seen just as a person starts divorcing or is finalizing their divorce and we call it the “bunny hop” phase, where the person hops from this to that. They may date different people, start internet dating, remove old friends and make new ones, travel, get a new job or try new jobs all together. This period can be necessary to understanding your new self and trying things you never would have before – which is healthy. The problem can substantiate if you never step out of this phase and grieve your marriage. Confronting your failed marriage and the pain or anxiety that comes from it is a necessary step to moving on.
  • Wallowing - This stage is complicated. A recently divorced person has decided to grieve but life has just caught the better of them. Their new relationship ends, they can’t support themselves financially, they bounce from job to job for a significant amount of time, depression sets in and they feel nothing will ever get better. This stage of wallowing is where one can get stuck in cynicism and sullenness. Getting trapped here can be very lonely. Getting the right support, either through friends, family, therapists or joining new social groups can really help someone in this phase.
  • Phoenix - Actually moving on is the phoenix phase, and the symbolism is certainly on purpose. Rising from the ashes of ones divorce having moved past both of the above phases – they have let go of their marriage, they have become self-motivating and accept themselves as a flawed person but forgive themselves for it. This self-realization is empowering and allows them to find their true self. This person is open to new love, never adventures and is happier for it. This doesn’t mean this person will never feel pain or sorrow again or that they won’t think about their divorce one morning and send those old emotions right back to the forefront, but this person has an easier time moving past those moments. One day they realize they haven’t thought about their ex or their marriage for some time -that alone offers comfort and relief.

Moving on isn’t an exact science. It’s a maze one needs to navigate on their own. Our phases above can be experienced in no particular order. Obviously, other factors such as co-parenting children can be a reminder that forces movement from phase to phase as well. In this instance, remember that children grow up at some point. Our takeaway is divorce is a journey that will end eventually and we encourage our clients or anyone going through one to take comfort in that.

There is much to prepare before filing for divorce. To learn what steps you should take before filing divorce, contact our firm and set up a consultation with an attorney.

How Men Can Survive Divorce

Women are often favored in courts, whether we want to believe it or not. They’re viewed as the people who primarily raise the children, and the courts are usually more lenient on women.

So what can men do differently? Let’s look at the top five divorce mistakes men are making…

  1. Using children as pawns. When visitation or custody is a threat, it’s common for any loving dad to react powerfully. But don’t respond the same way. Don’t issue threats, and remember that the truth will come out. If you’re a good parent, Holstrom, Block & Parke attorneys will ensure your rights are protected.
  2. The other woman. We know it may seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how many men start dating or sleeping around before they’re actually divorced. It’s dangerous and will create issues for you. Hold off until it’s finalized.
  3. Not hiring an attorney. Your spouse may try to convince you otherwise, but you DO need our help. Look at the outcomes for men who don’t hire attorneys—it’s not pretty.
  4. Being passive. You may want a calm divorce because you simply just don’t want to fight anymore…but this is probably not the time to stop fighting just yet. You should fight for what is yours when it’s important: money, property, your children, your rights.
  5. Embarrassing your spouse. We’ve all seen the wife on TV get served divorced papers in awkward settings. You may find that comical, but it is NOT smart. Don’t add fuel to the fire unless you absolutely need to.

Tips for Guys Going Through a Divorce

AskMen recently posted some tips for guys going through a divorce trying to make it out alive.

They’re useful tips for our friends, so we thought we’d share them here.

  1. Count Your Marriage as a Sunk Cost
    In the finance world a sunk cost is something that’s already been paid and can’t be recovered. It’s natural to continue trying to save your marriage and your relationship, even if deep down you know that it’s no longer healthy and that it will never work. Once you’re sure it won’t work long-term, swallow that fact, accept it, and move on.
  2. Reconnect with Friends 
    You’ll likely lose a handful of friends during a divorce—it’s almost inevitable. So try reconnecting with older friends. Look up friends you didn’t have time to see when you were married. It’s a good opportunity to reestablish a few relationships, ones that may be necessary if you’re struggling being a single man again.
  3. Get a Lawyer 
    Do it now. Many men wait to get an attorney until it’s too late. Unless you have your J.D. you’re not qualified to know how to handle most of these situations. If you don’t want to pull over and ask for directions- fine; but don’t make that mistake in your divorce legal issues.
  4. Indulge 
    Before you were married you probably had many habits that were for single guys only. Now you can get those habits back! Don’t worry about maybe acting a little young for your age at first. That will pass. Let loose and enjoy yourself as a single guy again.
  5. Find a Hobby 
    Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but you didn’t have time? Or maybe your wife didn’t want you to? Now you can! Its healthy to indulge in self-serving practices for a little while when you get divorced, and it will help take your mind off the divorce.

Your Relationship will Change - Not End

How many times have I heard a divorcing parent say, “I just want this to be over?”

Surprise! When two individuals divorce and there are children involved, it is never over.

The divorce process usually entails having the property valued and divided, the debts allocated between both parties, a custody plan is developed and support is established.

Soon after, you receive a document called a “Final Decree.”

However, in many cases, the family home has to be sold, making it necessary for the couple to continue to cooperate in order to obtain the most advantageous sale possible. While the couple waits for the home to be sold, they must make sure the property is maintained and the mortgage is paid. Lives change all the time, making it necessary to review and adjust the child custody plan from time to time. The support may need to be adjusted if one or both parent’s incomes change; what about the children’s needs changing?

In a divorce that involves children, the divorced parents must continue to keep one another informed of decisions they make regardless of how hard that may be. Often they must reach agreements before changes can be carried out, such as a change in residence or even a change in employment.

Don’t forget – every change you might make as a parent has an impact on the lives of your former spouse and your children. This requires ongoing interaction and communication with each other. If you cannot cooperate with your ex-spouse and decide to make changes without consenting him or her first, you can very well find yourself back in court litigating the aftermath of the unilateral change.

You still need to interact after your children have grown.

Did you forget about graduations, weddings, and births of grandchildren?

Just because you have a piece of paper called “Final Decree” doesn’t mean you and your former spouse will never see each other again. You need to realize that even though your divorce changed your relationship with your ex, it did not end it. Since you two have children together, you are connected to each other forever. Why not make it as peaceful as possible?

Keeping a Good Relationship

A bitter divorce or a vindictive parent relationship can have permanent, negative implications on a child’s social life. It’s been shown that children who experience unhappy situations during their growing-up years (like a divorce) find it harder to sustain social relations because it is difficult for them to maintain intimacy with others. Not only can they develop an inability to successfully build relationships can also result in less academic and professional success. Additionally, children who experience these types of situations early on in life are more likely to suffer from depression, alcoholism, and drug abuse.

Knowing this, many parents stay married for the sake of their children. However, this doesn’t sidestep the issue because an unhappy marriage can be just as destructive and damaging to your children as a divorce. The only way to address these issues is for parents to maintain a cordial or, at the very least, neutral working relationship, and to co-parent in a cooperative manner even after their marriage is dissolved.

Do you want to know the key to success after divorce? The answer is to avoid criticizing your former partner in front of your children. Don’t you think your children will notice when you constantly criticize their other parent? They aren’t stupid; they have ears and eyes. Even if your child is too young to make these connections right now, he or she will eventually. So, remember, when you badmouth your ex-spouse, you ultimately hurt your own credibility with your children.

Whether your divorce involved personal or financial betrayal, try to get past it. Although your divorce ended your marriage, it didn’t sever the connections you still have when it comes to your children. You gain nothing by holding on to your resentment and that resentment can very well poison your relationship with your children.

If you cannot control your hurtful feelings about your former spouse, try:

  • Channeling your anger in a more positive direction, such as exercising, mediation, yoga, or housecleaning
  • Avoiding face-to-face meetings – use the phone, texting, or e-mail to communicate whenever possible
  • Not allowing your ex to provoke you
  • To remember you share children
  • Making a truce between you and your ex

If you have questions or concerns regarding divorce or any other family issue, please contact the family law offices of Holstrom, Block & Parke. We can help you move on to the next phase in your life. Schedule an appointment for you free initial confidential consultation, you can also visit us online and submit our contact form.

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