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Finding Yourself - Life after Divorce

Moving on with your life after your divorce is a challenge. It forces life event changes – whether you like it or not. You have gone through a major loss and the healing process may take some time. However, there IS life after divorce. Life after divorce is a process of moving on and finding yourself. It could be filled with the unknown but it could also have excitement. At this very moment, you may think your world is coming to an end – you are lonely, depressed, angry and just about ready to give up. You may even feel overwhelmed with issues and other arrangements set by the judge such as money, children, downsizing your family home, and who you are ‘in the now’. Hold on. Things will turn around and you, one day, will feel great – even– better than great. Once you get through the divorce process – the legal, financial and emotional aspects involved – things will get better.

Below are some helpful hints to help you feel encouraged – not discouraged:

  • Find a friend to talk to – share your feelings about what is happening
  • Write your feelings on paper – talk about your day
  • Hit the delete button on revenge – there is no place for revenge, especially when you need to concentrate on the future
  • Focus on your job – it’ll take your mind off divorce
  • Do stuff you wouldn’t do before – broaden your horizons – take a dance class or vacation
  • Be social – don’t stare at the four walls or the television screen

Even though you are no longer part of a couple, you are still a complete person. Take the time to find that new person and make yourself your number one priority.

Don’t Get Caught Off Guard

Life after a divorce is separation is going to be different. Different can be good, different can be bad… but either way it’s change and it can be hard to deal with. Lee Sears at DivorcedMoms recently wrote a post of the most surprising things post-divorce that she wasn’t expecting. We thought this information could be helpful so you’re not caught off guard by some of the life-altering changes:

  • You can do more than you think. You might feel like your ex handled finances, house repairs, cooking, etc. and that you’re helpless, but you’re anything but that. You can learn if you try, and when push comes to shove you’ll make yourself do it. There are always YouTube tutorials!
  • Friends aren’t forever. As much as we all wish they were, you’ll lose friends during the divorce process. Some for good reason, and many for not… it will happen. Don’t let it get you down. Think of it as an easy way to weed out the people who aren’t friends you want anyway.
  • Good men have boundaries. Men worth your time will tell you right away if they’re married. They do this as a sign of respect to their wives and because they know you’re single. If they don’t say, they may be a cheater… or they’re single and good luck.

If you are dealing with a divorce case or want another look to a finalized divorce case consider the law offices of Holstrom, Block & Parke, we offer the experience and understanding needed with such sensitive matters. Because this is a life changing experience we know the last thing you want is to be stressed, we have the resources you need to help you and your family cope and be able to live happily under the new circumstances. We will fight to protect you’re interest we know that the outcome is very important and it will reflect years to come in your life.

We are proud of our reputation for providing personalized service to every client. Our attorneys treat you like a person, not a case number. We understand that you are facing serious legal issues and it is our job to help you resolve them in the most efficient and beneficial manner possible.

After Divorce / Divorce / General

Do I Have To Pay Spousal Support Before The Divorce Is Final?

Understanding Spousal Support

Spousal support. At this point, since you’ve made it to the website and are reading this article, you are either trying to figure out how to minimize your obligation to pay support or how to maximize your opportunity to obtain support. In fact, what’s important to note here is that spousal support is a very complex matter. And a very heated matter as well. Such questions often emerge: “Why do I have to pay him support?! I’m the woman.” Or, “Really, I have to pay her support even though she has a college degree and refuses work right now?!” It’s obvious, then, that spousal support may be the most contested issued during a divorce. So, let’s see if we can simplify a few things for you to get you started during your investigation.

A good starting point is to think about need vs. ability to pay. To keep this in very simplified form, often this is the lens the court will look through when awarding temporary spousal support. Wait, what do you mean temporary? Could it go away? And, does that mean there is also permanent spousal support too? Yes, and yes to the last two questions.

Temporary spousal support is very different than permanent spousal support. Temporary spousal support can begin (ready for this?) just days after one spouse files for divorce, which could be months or years before the divorce is final. To keep this simplified then, temporary support is before the final judgment, and permanent support is after the final judgment.

Understanding the timeline of the divorce will help: Once a spouse files for divorce with the court, California law will not allow the divorce to be final until at least 6 months have elapsed. A divorce can become final such as when (1) once the spouses agree in writing to such things like how the property will be divided or where the children will live and the judge signs off on this agreement; or(2) the divorce can become final after the judge rules on the parties’ disputed issues at a trial.

However, before the divorce becomes final, one spouse often seeks temporary spousal support. So, how do you get temporary spousal support? Like mentioned above, the court will weigh one spouse’s “need” against the other spouse’s “ability to pay.” That’s pretty much it for temporary support. This is relatively simple hurdle. So, to be blunt, the spouse earning more money will generally pay temporary spousal support.

So, now the bigger question: How much? The judge often will determine the amount of support by using a computer program called a Dissomaster or X-Spouse. That doesn’t help you now to determine what your obligation, or benefit, may be, does it? So, to help you, but to keep this in very simplified form, a support-paying spouse, for example, with no children, and where one spouse is employed, and the other spouse is unemployed, may expect to pay around 30% of his/her salary to the other spouse. You must know that this temporary support can last for months, or even years, until permanent spousal support is awarded.

For this article, though, our discussion is limited to temporary spousal support. Permanent spousal support is much more complex. In fact, a support-seeking spouse must provide proof of 14 different factors outlined in the law. Therefore, such discussion will need to be reserved for another time. Please note that the above information was kept in simplest form to help give you a primer of a situation that is important to know when considering divorce. As many areas of law, the complexity is understood and handled well by an attorney. Thus, it’s helpful to know that an experienced family law attorney is a phone call, or email, away to help provide guidance both before the marriage and at the difficult time of dissolving the marriage.

General / Spousal Support

Equal Rights for Both Parents

Our lawyers are part of the premier law firm in the Pomona area known for representing equally both the mother and the father in child custody proceedings. We protect your rights under the law.

We understand that dads are often slighted in the eyes of the court. In fact men in general have been hurt because the family law system has leaned in favor of women. In cases of divorce, property settlement, alimony, and child custody, the scales of justice have unfortunately been heavier toward the female side.

Vast experience in the courtroom dynamics has taught us that men often come to court less prepared than their spouses. Women have usually spent more time discussing the situation with their family law attorneys, and are more aware of the situation.

We understand that the concerns of moms and dads are often different. If you are concerned about your separation, divorce, property rights, or child custody, see us.

We know that our male clients have equal protection under the law, and we make sure you get it.

Start now taking care of your children. You will need to show the court that you are capable of providing the daily care needed for your children to be happy and healthy. Some of the responsibilities you need to take are:

  • Spending time with your child/children
  • Keeping them clean (bathe, brush teeth, clean clothes)
  • Homework help
  • Attending events (sports, performances, Open House at school)
  • Take them to school on time

Of course we represent women as well as men in all Family Law cases: abuse, divorce, issuing orders of restraint, property settlement, and child custody.

Our goal is not to favor either the mom or the dad, but to support our client and give him/her the best legal advice possible. We are here to protect you and your rights.

Call us today!

General

Should You Keep His Name?

This post is dedicated to all the ladies of Riverside who took a man’s last name, divorced, and don’t know whether they should keep the new last name. And thanks to recent law changes, all the guys who are in the same boat.

In an interesting new trend, many women aren’t going back to their maiden name or keeping their married name—they’re choosing new last names. That name may be a maternal grandmother’s name or another relative important to that person. It’s a reflection of what matters and a symbolic way to truly start over.

Going back to your maiden name can feel like moving backward, and keeping your married name can feel like being stuck in something that didn’t work. So it does make sense why many women, post-divorce or separation, are choosing entirely new last names.

That being said, it may not be the wisest choice for everyone. Think of all the documents, the confusion, and the questions you’ll get. Realize that when your last name is different than your kids’ there are a thousand processes that will naturally be harder.

Here are a few tips:

  1. No matter what your name is, inform everyone. Make a long list of all the people, organizations, companies, etc. that need to know your legal name. Check them all off quickly.
  2. Talk to your friends and family. It’s your decision, but it can be nice to get feedback. It’ll also lessen the blow if it’s an unwanted surprise.
  3. Make a choice and stick to it. Once your name is legally changed, make sure people know and request to be called only that.
Divorce / General

What Kids Want Most

Divorce is not for the faint at heart. It can be a traumatic experience for everyone involved, and most parents agree that putting your kids first is the hardest part. It’s not hard because you don’t want to; it’s hard because you’re not sure how best to do that. Author Honoree Corder shared with HuffPost the three things kids want most when their parents divorce. If you can remember these three things, it should be much easier to know how to make sure the divorce process is as painless as possible for your children.

  1. They want you to be happy. A parent that isn’t happy, not matter what type of mood it is, makes an unhappy kid. Children feel most secure and content when their parents are content. So if you’re not happy, it’s not just hurting yourself. Focus on self-improvement for your kids’ sake.
  2. Attention. It’s a word typically with a negative association, but it is true that kids of most ages simply want our time and attention, even when they won’t admit it. Do what they want to do, set a weekly time, or figure out what you can do together. Take every step necessary to spend time with them.
  3. Get along with your ex. Once again, you may think this is/isn’t for your benefit… but it’s actually for your kids’ benefit. He might no longer be your spouse, but he’s still their dad. And no one wants to see their parents fight. Be friendly when it isn’t easy; be nice when she doesn’t deserve it. Take baby steps to building a mutually respectful relationship. Your kids will appreciate it, notice and model your behavior.

About Dayn Holstrom

Dayn Holstrom is a hard working, compassionate problem solver who welcomes the opportunity to serve you in any way he can. His maximum availability to your questions and concerns begins with your free initial consultation. He is well-seasoned in all matters related to family law and a skilled negotiator and litigator.

General

Five Ways to Say Goodbye to your Relationship/Marriage

If you get to the point where there is no hope to save your marriage, how do you bring up the subject of divorce? Here are five suggestions. In every situation you need to find a quiet place for the discussion. Make sure just the two of you are alone and there will be no interruptions so you have plenty of time to talk. Be aware of using statements that are not accusatory, but instead discuss your specific feelings using “I” statements.

Here are five suggestions for discussion starters:

1. If your partner does not expect the breakup.

I know you have probably noticed that I have been acting differently lately. I’m sorry I haven’t shared with you my feelings. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore, so I didn’t say anything, but now I feel I must. I think we both know that our marriage has actually been over for a while, neither of us are happy. It’s difficult to say this, but I think it’s time to call it quits.

2. If your partner has done something you cannot forgive.

I hope you understand that I have really tried to forgive you. This relationship is one of the most important parts of my life. I wanted to make it work, but I just can’t get over the pain. I still love you and I know you are a good person who made a bad decision, but I need to move on.

3. If you simply need to get out.

I have been avoiding this conversation for a long time. There is no easy way to say what I have to say. I just can’t be married anymore. This has been the hardest decision I have ever made. I know it seems selfish. You are a great person, and I don’t like hurting you, but I need a new start somewhere else.

4. If you have been hanging in there so you wouldn’t hurt your partner.

I know we have discussed this before, and I have tried to make it work, but it’s not working. This is heartbreaking for both of us. It is so difficult to say this, but a clean break is probably the best way for each of us to find happiness again.

5. If you need to get others involved.

I know we both have tried to work this out because we want what is best for our family. We have done all we can, but I really can’t be in this relationship anymore. We have tried to talk about it, but it never goes anywhere. I’m hoping that you will consent to counseling so we can come to some peaceful agreements.

General

When To Stop Talking About It

Here’s a painful truth: most people don’t want to hear about your messy divorce every single day. In fact, talking too much about the ended relationship can actually damage your other relationships, which is the last thing you want to do.

Especially if you’ve been cheated on or truly hurt, you may be one of those people who wants to tell everyone. It can be therapeutic and seem like the best way to cope. But, there’s a big difference between speaking truth by relaying facts to those who ask, and becoming an emotional, venting, wreck every chance you get.

Resist the urge to tell their employer, or post it on social media. Don’t believe us? We see it hurt people in divorce trials in Riverside all the time. Take it from blogger Tracy Schorn, who recently shared these three tips with HuffPost about why you shouldn’t over share:

1) Any communication can, and probably will, be used against you in court. If you’re exposing a legal issue, consult one of our attorneys first. Don’t use Twitter because you think that’s effective. You have to be very careful what you say when you know you’ll be in a courtroom soon.

2) You look crazy. Yes, unfortunately no matter how you tell the story, you’re the one who’ll look nutty. Every single time you bring it (him/her) up, you’ll look more and more desperate for attention and like you’re losing it.

3) Gives them the upper hand. Don’t let your ex affect your mood. He/she doesn’t deserve that anymore. Be strong and don’t let them get to you. Focus on you and your new life.

About Dayn Holstrom

Dayn Holstrom is a hard working, compassionate problem solver who welcomes the opportunity to serve you in any way he can. His maximum availability to your questions and concerns begins with your free initial consultation. He is well-seasoned in all matters related to family law and a skilled negotiator and litigator.

General

Top Female Divorce Mistakes | OC Divorce Lawyer

Let’s preface this post by saying that our attorneys do absolutely everything in their power to make sure our clients make zero mistakes when it comes to divorce. But with or without an attorney, people make mistakes. Let’s take a look specifically at the mistakes females make most often, according to HuffPost Divorce.

  1. Financially clueless. There could be a mountain of debt or a mountain or riches and some wives have no idea. It’s very difficult to start the divorce process without an accurate understanding of your family’s finances.
  2. “Getting started” cash. If you’re financially dependent, you can request “temporary maintenance” to cover divorce expenses. But you’ll need cash before you receive that money. Don’t try to start the process empty handed.
  3. Not using an attorney. We could write books on the countless ways that you can truly negatively affect the rest of your life due to ignorance in or out of the courtroom. Unless you have a law degree, don’t think that you’ll know how to divorce someone.
  4. Reacting emotionally. It’s rarely the answer. Stay calm, think rationally, and ask your attorney what the best way to handle the current situation is.
  5. Settling too soon. Reaching a settlement isn’t always a bad idea, but far too many women hate the divorce process, want it to be over, and settle too soon. This leads to them not earning nearly what they should have. Women need to be financially secure for their future, and for their children. Settle when your attorney tells you it’s time.
General

When to Pick a New Lawyer | OC Divorce Lawyer

The very last thing you want to deal with throughout a divorce process is an incompetent Family Law attorney. Believe it or not, we see clients daily who’ve tried countless other attorneys in Riverside, Corona, or Orange County. In fact, we’ve known people who have gone through ten attorneys before settling on one that truly had their best interest in mind and delivered what needed to be done.

So how do you know it’s time to find a new divorce attorney? Here are the red flags:

  • Delegation: It’s a good term when it comes to business, but you want an attorney who is doing the work him/herself. Attorneys who consistently pass off work to other attorneys, or who try to get your spouse’s attorney to do the work, aren’t nearly as invested as they should be.
  • Forgetful: You’re allowed to forget small details, because divorce is not your job. But you ARE paying your attorney to not forget little details, because they can be extremely important in a case. If your attorney blames you for not reminding him, isn’t sure if you sent in court documents, isn’t sure how long billable hours truly last.
  • Thorough: Your divorce attorney should be organized, filling you in every step of the way. If you ever feel out of the loop, move on.

Respect: He/she needs to respect your individual needs and your situation. If you feel like your attorney is simply going through the motions as he always does, your paying way too much for that time of laziness.

General

Socializing & Mingling After Divorce: Problems & Solutions

Many men and women who have recently gone through a divorce are reluctant to enter into the social arena again. They often have negative feelings about themselves. First, they are older now than when they last were single and out socializing, so their looks have changed. This can cause consternation. There are often suffering from feelings of low self-esteem due to the failure of their marriage. If there are children involved in the family separation that can exacerbate the situation.

It’s important; however, if you should find yourself in this situation that you not become isolated, especially if you are a single parent. It’s easy to feel guilty leaving your children at home with a babysitter while you go out. After all, they are also dealing with the stress of the divorce. It’s true you do need to give extra TLC to your children, but you can’t forget that if you become lonely and depressed, you will not be as focused on them as they need you to be. Take some time for yourself and get out of the house. It’s okay to have some fun. You will probably be a better parent for it.

If you are not going out because you feel dreadful or unattractive, you can change that. Start by eating healthy and exercising. Plan fun activities. Make sure you get outside every day for an hour.

Money might be tight after a divorce, so you might not want to, or simply cannot, spend it on a babysitter. There are solutions. Perhaps you have a friend or family member who would enjoy helping you out by watching the kids. Another idea is to find, or start, a co-op babysitting group. Friends take turns watching each other’s children. Kids often look forward to spending time with other children, and you can enjoy the time away knowing they are safe and happy.

Finally, remember you are still a special person!

Get together with friends and family. If you have children spend quality time with them. When the time is right, get out there and start dating again. Life goes on!

The Dating Advice You Should Ignore

The process of divorce is challenging enough, and then you find yourself living an entirely new life with new rules. The post-divorce adjustment can be quite challenging, and we’ve seen plenty of our Riverside clients struggle to make the transition easily. Here are a few pieces of advice!

Jackie at Divorced Girl Smiling names three things you should NOT struggle with:

  1. Guilt: Many post-divorce parents feel guilty leaving their kids for a short time to go on a date. Let it go! Divorce doesn’t mean you should no longer enjoy life. Find a decent babysitter and your kids will be completely fine without you for a few hours. Don’t punish yourself by not letting yourself have some fun too.
  2. Money: Post-divorce or separation finances can be tough, especially if you’re a single parent or co-parenting. Instead of letting money stop you, bring the child to a friend’s house to be watched. Your friends want you to date and they’ll be more than happy to help! Or meet your dates on your lunch hour at work when your kids are already being watched.
  3. Fear: Many people will tell you that if you’re scared you must not be ready. Not true! Everyone is going to be scared of dating, that’s also what makes is exciting. It could go well, horrible, fantastic… you never know. But don’t let the fear hold you back. If you made it through a divorce, you can make it through a date!

Dating Mistakes to Avoid Post-Divorce

These tips can help post-divorce dating avoid some major speed bumps:

  1. Take it slow. You might think you’re over your ex, but that may not be true. You might think being single is awesome and you’re not lonely or looking for companionship at all, and that might be false. You might think jumping into a relationship with the first great guy/girl you meet is a great idea. It’s not. Taking it slow is always the safer, smarter way to go.
  2. Move past the past. Not everyone is going to be like your ex. Don’t stereotype all people of one gender, because that’s not fair. You won’t run into all the same problems, so have a positive attitude. But know what you’re looking for and what you’re not.
  3. No pity party. Allow yourself the time to heal and then be HAPPY being single. If you can’t learn to be happy on your own, odds are you aren’t ready to date.
  4. Do not settle. This one seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people are ready to put a ring on the first person they meet in Riverside after the divorce papers are signed. You do NOT want another divorce, so wait until you couldn’t be surer you’ve found the right one.
  5. No games. Even if you only had a 72-day marriage (hey Kim K), you’re too old for games no matter your age. Be authentic, honest, and communicate with the people you’re dating. This will make the dating world exponentially easier and less complicated. No one needs complicated after a divorce.

Finally, the best way to meet someone is through other people. Let your friends, family, coworkers, etc know that you’re looking to date. They know you BEST and they’ll only set you up with people they think would make a great match for you.

General

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